Brutal Assault On Disabled Man, As Milner Street Pump the Chumps

Milner Street’s convincing win over 3 Pump Chumps was marred by shocking scenes of violence on Monday night. After being summoned to a hearing by the Powerleague FA, striker Jonathan Bryson is now looking at lengthy ban, following his savage assault on the Chumps’ talismanic goalkeeper.

‘It’s because JJ was scoring more than me’, Bryson admitted after the match. ‘I hate giving the ball to anyone at the best of times, but when I pass to JJ and he scores 5, it really gets me down. I tried kicking the ball as hard as I possibly could, but even then the keeper was too good for me. It kept going over the bar as well. So eventually I cracked, and smashed it in the keeper’s face.’

Bryson’s brutality was unlikely to have changed the course of the game. Milner Street started well, with some elegant passing creating plenty of chances. Heroic saves by the Chumps’ visually impaired goalkeeper kept the scores respectable, but Milner Street were not to be denied. Clever finishing from JJ and Fred meant that by half time the score was 5-2, and Milner Street were looking increasingly dangerous.

Then Bryson struck. After both sides applauded off the gallant keeper, and helped him pick up the remains of his spectacles (lessons learned: always wear your contact lenses), 3 Pump Chumps crumbled. Gould, Gallagher and Neville ran riot, and JJ plundered 5 in a man of the match performance. Even coming off second best in a shoulder to shoulder duel couldn’t dampen the Gloucestershire man’s spirit, and he deservedly carried off the match ball.

Captain James Gallagher refused to be drawn on the Bryson issue in post-match interviews. ‘Why always JB?’ he asked the assembled press corps. ‘Why do you always focus on his fouls? I want to talk about JJ’s performance. He doesn’t score many for a striker, so why don’t you focus on his performance? I just want to focus on the positives, and JJ finally scoring some goals is what I think you gentlemen of the press should be covering.’

When asked about a potential move to a coaching role on Frank Lampard’s Chelsea staff, Gallagher stormed out, saying that he was fully committed to his current role, and planning the next season.

The Milner Street machine rumbles on to a Derby fixture against Mayfair FC next week. With or without Bryson, it’s going to be a cracker.