Ladth! Ladth! It’th to eathy!

It’s been a week of controversy for Milner Street. Highs, lows, and everything in between. Ecstasy and agony. Inspirational captain James Gallagher has finally committed his future to the club, amidst rumours that his deadline day transfer to Chelsea fell through because of a failed drugs test. Ahead of a top of the table six-pointer against Stevo Rangers, the distraction was unwelcome at best.

Gallagher was in denial throughout the build-up. ‘I’m a clean athlete. I compete in the right way. Obviously, as the most attractive man at St Simons, I take supplements. The honeys demand it. But the only thing I’m guilty of taking is one of Beurre’s smoothies.’ However, Beurre’s notorious Sunday School doping record is unlikely to endear Gallagher to the disciplinary hearing he faces when he flies to Switzerland later this week. Her association with the record-breaking Free Radical is yet to be adequately explained.

It is fair to say that there is little love lost between Milner Street and Stevo Rangers. When pressed, Gallagher was reticent about the previous fixture. “As Brian Clough famously said, ‘I don’t talk to cheating bastards!’. I don’t think I need to comment further."

The encounter on the blue pitch was characterised by needle, and today’s fixture started in the same manner. Milner Street were dominant and disciplined, hassling and scrapping out of possession, then riposting with speed as soon they won the ball back. However, the flow of the game was repeatedly interrupted by whining and crying, as Stevo failed to adjust to the demands of life in the cage. In particular, Stevo’s number nine struggled to grasp the idea that the tackle from behind may have been outlawed in the 1990s.

As expected, it was Bryson who cracked first. With the scores at 1-1, the number nine decided to rake his studs down the back of Bryson’s calf, winning the ball in the process. JB then lost the plot. Spinning around with terrifying speed, Bryson hammered through the ball in a fair and legal manner, booting the number nine about six yards into the air. We will draw a veil over what happened next.

Suffice to say, Milner Street ran riot in a fervour of righteous anger. A 3-1 halftime lead soon ballooned out to 7-1, as the unstoppable force of Milner Street’s finishing met the wet blanket of Stevo’s defending. The European backstop simply collapsed. Thompson’s battling performance was rewarded with two fine goals, Gallagher was class personified and Grew scored a beauty. Special mention must be made of Fred’s wonderstrike from the tightest of angles (apparently that kind of finish is easy, number nine?), which will live long in the memory. Beech also played.

The final word however, must be left to Bryson. Collecting the ball in the midfield, he seemed to spot something beyond the back wall of the cage. Hammering the ball miles wides of the goal, he failed to hit whatever he had spotted. But God loves a trier. Picking up the rebound, Bryson struck again. Again, his radar was off. Linesmen dived for cover. Undeterred, he shot again. Finally, the ball went in the net, marking the oddest goal this reporter has ever seen at a game of football.

Reacting angrily to press suggestions that the goalie let his shot in out of sympathy, Bryson let rip in the post-match conference.

“The Cage is my home! 10-5 to the Boys! I am the Cage!” Bryson yelled. “Deuteronomy 32:35, lads! AS YOU WERE!”