Something is Rotten At the Heart of Milner

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. In tatters lie Milner Street’s title ambitions. And in pieces lie James Gallagher’s wing mirrors, ripped off his Golf by rioting Milner ultras after last night’s 9-2 humiliation at the hands of KPR.

Perhaps it is best to start at the beginning. Wor JJ Thompson was unavailable due to a nasty ankle injury. The Artist Formerly Known As Fred also withdrew from the side, citing creative differences, concerns about his image rights and stating a vague intention to start a solo career.

Shorn of its regular strikeforce, the Big White Machine nevertheless started full of confidence. Hopes were promptly dashed when KPR took the lead, after a disputed handball led Milner’s defence to stop playing in order to register their protests. Uncharacteristically, the protests were led by Gallagher, who then maintained a pleasant conversation with the officials for the rest of the match. We understand that James’ helpful suggestions regarding eyewear and career choices will be given full consideration by the ref in due course. Indeed, Gallagher’s occasional pilgrimages out of position should be considered in a similar light: JGal wasn’t leaving the defence exposed – he was on a meditative walk to offer the referee career mentoring sessions.

Sadly, the rot spread further than Milner’s captain. Whilst Gould pulled one back for boys (thundering in from long range), the attack was stilted and lacked its usually rhythm. Every pass forward seemed to find a static receiver. Without the usual incisive runs off the ball, Gould and Gallagher’s solo dribbles were suffocated in waves of black shirts. Tragedy then struck when Gould limped off – rumours of a heavy weekend with unnamed St Simon’s groupies called Phoebe are unconfirmed.

The defence was equally suspect. Too often, the killer ball through the middle found its mark. KPR’s one touch passing carved holes through a defence that hitherto, was the meanest in the league. Beech’s attempts to organise the resistance failed lamentably. Charitable observers would attribute this to communication issues rather than outright incompetence. The Yorkshireman is yet to fully master the local lingo, and has not yet grasped that yelling ‘On ‘is tooouuuccchh’ is not an adequate substitute for actually making some tackles.

Eventually, frustration got the better of organisation. Milner’s formation grew more ragged, and the score mounted. JB eventually lost the plot, committing a horror challenge that would normally be enough to earn DOD.

In the end, we deserved to lose. 9-2 felt harsh, but a loss did not. KPR are top.