Tempers Flare as Milner Street Prevail 5-3 in Tense New Firm Derby

Rangers vs Celtic, Hearts vs Hibs: move over. There is a new sectarian derby in town. Milner Street vs Mayfair FC. St Simons vs Christchurch Mayfair. Mike Neville vs Martin Fuller. The biggest religious rivalry since Martin Luther fell out with Pope Leo X.

Shorn of key personnel, and with the heretics keen to avenge a thumping 12-3 defeat earlier in the season, you could be fooled into thinking that Milner Street might have been under the cosh. Rumours continue to swirl that captain James Gallagher may be tempted away by the Chelsea millions, in part to satisfy the lifestyle demands of his other half. After all, nettles and fridge bacteria require cash by the boatload. His absence in the derby fixture was a notable blow, amidst unconfirmed reports that a VW was seen parked near Stamford Bridge. Defender Jonny Beech continued to cry off through ‘injury’, with a stubbed toe and a paper cut keeping him away from front line action. Last week’s talisman JJ Thompson was also missing, along with the gloves which have propelled so much of Milner Street’s summer form.

Straight from the off, Mayfair were physical, pressing hard, tugging shirts and kicking shins. Shoulders were being flung everywhere, and the ‘no slide tackles’ ruled was more honoured in breach than in observance. But anyone who thinks that Milner Street fold under pressure doesn’t know the quality of their ringers. Grew and Gould stepped straight into the fight and didn’t give an inch. George Neville was a rock at the back. JB played his usual game, kicking anything that moved over the bar irrespective of whether it was ball or opponent.

Sparks flew continually as Mayfair toiled against Milner Street’s iron discipline. The day-release lad in the blue shirt seemed determined to take a piece of Gould’s ankle home with him, before clashing repeatedly with Bryson. Milner Street’s raging bull then pretended to offer Day Release an apology hug, before VAR later caught him grabbing an opponent by the testicles. When questioned about his behaviour by the press, Bryson simply shrugged. ‘The seagulls,’ he muttered ‘They follow the trawler…’

But cometh the hour, cometh the Fred. In the midst of a bruising encounter, Wilkinson stood up and delivered the goods. Three crisp strikes, thee key goals, three points to the men in white.

After winning London’s biggest small-to-medium-sized church derby, Milner Street go top. It’s lucky that Our Father’s house has many rooms. He’s going to have make space for a bigger trophy cabinet when we get there.